by Fur and Fantasy
G for Gen
full contents and notes located at the bottom of the file

I am nothing. I am everything.
I have all I could want,
  except the one thing I ache for
  the one thing I can not seek,
    for in seeking it, I rob it of it's ability to soothe my soul.

It has a name, but I dare not say it.
For in saying it ... in saying what I need
  it takes the ability to give it from all whom hear me,
        even if they were so inclined
    for naming it, that too is seeking
    and seeking robs what I need so desperately of it's strength.

My soul aches to cry, but I can not cry the way it needs.
My mind aches to die, but ... I can not.
   Surrender on that level is not in me.
My body ... I lost touch with it a while ago.

I hurt.

The boundless aching hurt that sings of something broken deep inside.

I ache.
I ache with no hope but for the chance that someone might see me
  for what I am.
  for what I need.
  for what I offer.

I will find release from this ache only in the pity of another
A pity that will destroy me.
A pity, if it is not just pity, that has a chance of renewing me

I understand the price of my gifts
I accept that price

But it makes it no easier to bear the ache in my soul
 or silence the traitorous voice that asks

Why must I hurt so?
What did I do to deserve this life
This hurt
This apathy that makes me want to cry so

It will end, and I will see it through
  but when that days is, and how much damage I do
  that remains to be seen

But I will never be all I want to be,
  for that too, is not in me.

I fear failure too much to claim all I wish

That too, makes me ache.
  makes me want to cry.
  And rage, if I had the fire in me
    The fire apathy has taken away.

But this agony is the price of my life
  and pay it I will
  even though I do not know how.


G for Gen

3 KB, Story is Complete, Series is Finished
Written April 12, 2001 by Rauhnee Ranshanka

Contents: Gen.


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